Saturday, May 1, 2010

New Articles at Yankee Pot Roast

I've got a couple of new ones over at YPR:

Liberals are Ruining the World Of Warcraft

Bastards! Apparently, our nation's health care was not enough.

Also, if anyone working on a query letter finds their way here, they might find my article Novels Submitted For Consideration at a Literary Agency amusing.

There was also a fourth query letter, which was cut from that article for length. Here it is:

Dear Agent,

Please consider representing my exciting new novel, which is certain to be an international bestseller.

On the night of the Last Supper, Jesus Christ dictated his True Gospel to Saint Peter, and revealed unto him the Divine secret of unlimited weight loss, eternally tight abs, and a toned, sexy core. Tragically, Christ’s sanctified guide to fit living fell into the wrong hands during the first century, A.D., and has, ever since, been hidden away by a shadowy cabal.

But in 2009, Christina McGuire, a trained theologian who became an archaeologist after her faith lapsed, discovers a carefully-hidden trail of ancient clues, prepared by Revolutionary War heroes Paul Revere and Patrick Henry, that will guide her to the shocking truth: God so loved the world that He wanted everybody to be thin.

But Christina quickly finds out why Christ’s Gospel has been kept secret for so long. The liberal Left wants to keep everyone fat and unhealthy, so they can pass the universal health care bill that heralds the coming of the Antichrist! Soon, Christina is on the run, chased by the Left’s most fearsome assassin, a terrifying albino from an extreme sect of Secular Humanists, who engages in the shocking practice of ritual self-masturbation.

With nothing less than the world’s sculpted glutes resting in her hands, Christina has to find a way to strike back at the Liberals and get God’s word to the chubby people who need to hear it. Nobody seems willing to help her except for Jacques, a dark-eyed stranger whose sexual magnetism is matched only by his aura of mystery. But Christina is not sure if she can trust him. After all, he’s a vampire.

The Jesus Christ Plan for Weight Loss the Liberals Don’t Want You to Know About: A Novel is like an exciting combination of The Da Vinci Code, Twilight, Glenn Beck’s Common Sense, and The South Beach Diet, rolled into one action-packed 95,000 word book!

Damien Scratch

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