1. E-mails can get lost in the Internet. When you query, always call at least three times to verify that the agent received it.
2. Thank you notes are appropriate whenever you get a form-rejection or an out-of-office autoreply. Always send several thank you notes, in case one gets lost in the Internet. Call to make sure they arrive.
3. If you query by regular-mail, put some granulated sugar in the envelope. This lets the agent know that your book is a sweet read
4. Literary agents are busy people, and it can be hard to get them on the phone. Sometimes, you need to wait outside their houses.
5. If you have an idea for a book, but you don't have the time to write it, you should call agents to see if they want to buy the proposal for someone else to write. But don't tell anyone what the idea is, because they might steal it. Ask them to sign a nondisclosure agreement.
6. The rules of grammar aren't really rules. They are more like guidelines for people who like to think inside the box.
7. If someone tells you your writing is incomprehensible, it is because they are too stupid to understand it.
8. Always stand up for yourself. Let every craven dumbass who rejects you know that they've made a mistake they'll regret forever
9. J.K. Rowling got, like, five rejections. You got fifty, so that means your work is ten times more groundbreaking and threatening to the bourgeois establishment!
10. If your book is about spies, you should write your query in code. Agents will have so much fun decrypting it.
11. Make sure to tell agents that you have registered your manuscript with the copyright office. That lets them know you're serious.
12. Don't let anything stand between you and your dream of being an author. Especially not your learning disability or your functional illiteracy.
13. Don't let anyone tell you that your writing is "bad." "Bad" is just a word, and great authors don't care at all about words.
14. There is no such thing as a bad writer or a bad book. There are only bad agents, bad editors, bad bookstores, bad critics and bad readers.
15. Every story is a sacred jewel that deserves to be treasured. Some jewels are transparently racist. Some jewels are full of cliches and stilted dialog. Some jewels don't make any sense. But they're still jewels, dammit.
16.If you are writing about a common topic like vampires, try to put a unique twist on it. Like, maybe the vampire falls in love
I enjoyed reading this - you have quite the sense of humor. I was beginning to wonder if this was for real on the first few points, but you redeemed yourself on the third point. :-)
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