Friday, April 15, 2011

Query Tips 3: The Revenge

1. If you get a lot of rejections, it's probably because you didn't spend enough time networking on Facebook

2. If you write fantasy, be sure to use lots of made-up words and names in your query. Agents love that.

3. Publishers are interested in any well-told story, as long as it's about a teenage girl who has to choose between two hot boys.

4. People want to read about realistic, identifiable characters, such as sexually non-threatening teenage boys with six-pack abs.

5. Write realistic dialog. For example, when a man tells his male friends about a woman he's met, he should describe her eyes a lot.

6. When writing for the Young Adult audience, authenticity is important. You must know what is cool. Drugs and premarital sex are never cool. 

7. Your protagonist must always be likable.  This means she should avoid conflict at all times.

8. Don't be naive about how the publishing business works. Always send headshots with your query. Follow-up with sexts. Let them know you're willing to do ANYTHING to make your dream come true.

9. Publishing a book isn't a way to get famous. Getting famous is a way to publish a book.

10. Every kind of monster is sexy now. When you think of werewolves, think "doggystyle." When you think of zombies, think "priapism."

11. You can still get rich writing monster mashups. "Ethan Frome The Black Lagoon," and "A Tale Of Two Cities Destroyed By Godzilla."

12. If you have trouble getting a literary agent on the phone, remember most people can be reached at home between one and five a.m.

13. Send your fan-fiction to the producers of the TV shows you write about. Then sue them all for stealing your ideas

14. Talent isn't what sells books. But you already know that, or you wouldn't be doing this.

15. Nobody has written a paranormal romance about sexy dragons yet. Consider the possibilities of a prehensile, reptilian tongue.

16. Look up agents' previous sales before you query, so you can tell them how your book is better than all the shit they represent

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