1. Before you mail a manuscript, rub it with butter to make the pages turn more easily.
2. Everyone loves to root for an underdog. You should try to seem downtrodden when you communicate with agents.
3. When you send your manuscript, be sure to explain that the stains on it are your tears.
4. To interest the largest subset of agents, describe your book as a cross among at least four genres.
5. The truest story is one that springs from your own experience. Write a book about cats and loneliness.
6. Agents love an author with an online platform. Tell them about how you are Facebook friends with people from your high school.
7. If you spend a few thousand dollars on a professionally-designed author website, you can send agents the link instead of a query letter.
8. If you don't like writing queries, some agents will accept nude photographs instead of the conventional pitch letter.
9. Adjectives like "voluptuous," "pouty" and "moist" can get agents really excited about your query.
10. If you want more manuscript requests, you should write a better query. If you want an agent, you should write a better novel.
11. To sell a novel, you need a high-concept hook or excellent writing. So I hope you can come up with a high-concept hook.
12. If your book includes a sex scene, when people read it, they'll flip to your author photo and imagine you having sex.
13. A query is marketing copy, and you're advertising yourself. Talk about your strongest qualities. Like your gym-sculpted thighs.
14. Shortcut to a great pitch-letter: take your "about me" essay from your Match.com profile, and replace "casual sex" with "literary representation."
15. No time to write? Disconnect your Internet, turn off the TV, ask your husband for a separation and drown your kid in a bathtub!
16. Why is everyone rejecting you when your writing is so amazing? There must be some arcane query rule you don't know about.