My Successful Query Letter for DON'T EVER GET OLD

As long as I'm sharing writing and publishing advice, I thought I'd show off my successful query letter for DON'T EVER GET OLD.  I sent this out as unsolicited slush, and that's how I found my literary agent, Victoria Skurnick at Levine Greenberg:


Ninety year-old Baruch “Buck” Schatz remembers a time when the only “portable handheld device” anybody needed was a .357, “Google” was the sound a guy made when you punched him in the throat, and “social networking functionality” came out of a bottle.

These days, though, this retired detective is extremely frail and frequently confused.  But when he learns the SS officer who tortured him in a POW camp may have escaped Germany with a fortune in stolen gold, Buck decides to hunt down the fugitive and claim the loot.  He’s got nothing better to do, and keeping his mind occupied is supposed to ward off dementia.

Assisted by his grandson, a law student who knows how to find information using a computer and is allowed to drive at night, Buck finds a lead down the Nazi’s long-cold trail.  But lots of people want a piece of that treasure, and Buck’s investigation quickly attracts unfriendly attention from a Mississippi loan shark, a seven-foot tall Hasidic Jew, a preacher on the take, a cop with a grudge and a bloodthirsty maniac hell-bent on rubbing out everybody who knows anything about Nazi gold.

“Don’t Ever Get Old” is a 76,000 word mystery/thriller about a hard-boiled man in a world gone soft, confronting the existential reality of his inevitable decline and death while trying to get rich quick.

The Rob Schneider Query (With Apologies to Trey Parker)

Dear Sir or Madam;

Derp De-Doo is a derp-da-derp da deedily derp who deedily-deedily derp-de-derp.  But she's about to learn that derp-dee-derp de deedily-dee.

Now she's got to derp-de-derp de dumb-da-dumb.  But when deedily-dee, she'll need to dippity doo or she'll be dumbity dipped.  And with deedily dumb-da-dumb, she's really got her hands full!

Will dumb-ba-deedily dee before doodily dumb-da-dumb, or will Derp De-Doo be deedily-duh?  I bet you can't wait to find out!

DERP DE-DOO DEEDILY DUMB is a YA paranormal romance, 76,000 words in length.  I've enclosed the first five pages, and I hope you'll be interested in looking at more.

Deedily-doo,
Dippity Q. Dee

Querytips: This is what a rejection looks like

Dear Author:

I very nearly sent you our standard form rejection letter in response to your query about your novel, RAINBOWS AT SUPPERTIME, an entirely odious work you have the temerity to describe as "literary."

The form letter would have said that I am extremely busy with current clients' manuscripts, and could not responsibly take on a new book. It would have said that my editorial contacts were less than ideal for this manuscript, and your work might better be handled by another agent. It would have said that our response indicated nothing negative about your work or its prospects in the marketplace. 

But that would have been a lie, and an irresponsible one. The fact is, even in a world where I had plenty of extra time, in a world where editors were far less selective in the works they were willing to publish, and where readers bought lousy books with indiscriminate abandon, I still would not represent RAINBOWS AT SUPPERTIME. You see, dear Author, I have standards.

In this business, where we must necessarily reject at least 99% of the manuscripts that come before us, it is sometimes difficult to explain exactly what it is we agents are in business to support. But it's not hard to explain what we are against. We are against RAINBOWS AT SUPPERTIME. It is offensive, both aesthetically and morally. The fact that it exists punctures my very faith in humanity.

Unpublished authors claim to like personalized responses to their submissions, and claim to desire helpful feedback. Here is some: stop submitting RAINBOWS AT SUPPERTIME. No honest or reputable agent will ever represent such a work. Offering this up to an editor would instantly destroy an agent's reputation in the publishing industry. Editors, you see, do not like to be insulted, and, frankly, neither do I. So stop wasting everybody's time.

Burn your book, Author. Destroy every copy. Erase it from your disk, format the drive, and smash your computer with a hammer.

And once that vital deed is done, in the name of all that is decent, stop writing. Stop writing at once. We in this profession hold sacred the power of the written word, and you befoul it. On some level, you have to know that RAINBOWS AT SUPPERTIME is awful. On some level, you must have been making some kind of sick joke when you submitted this. Really, Author, you should be ashamed of yourself. 

If this was the form letter, this is where I would invite you to query me with any future projects. But it is my sincere hope that you never write another word, and that I never hear your name again for the rest of my life.       

Best wishes,

Agent

A #QueryTips Sample Query Letter

A lot of people have asked me for advice on how to structure and format a query.  For your edification, I provide this example.  But don't steal the book idea it describes or I will sue you so hard in the face that your butt will be sore for a week:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I know you agents love money, so I am going to tell you about my fiction-novel, which is a guaranteed bestseller.  I've taken the classic, time-tested text of Charles Dickens's "Great Expectations," and I have updated it for modern readers.

Specifically, I've used the find-and-replace feature in Microsoft Word to change every instance of the name "Pip" to "Barack Obama."  I've changed every occurrence of the name "Estella" to "America," and, finally, I've changed every instance of the name "Magwitch" to "Affirmative Action," and every instance of the word "cake" to "Constitution."

Additionally, I have written several entirely new chapters, in which Miss Havisham frets about Barack Obama's citizenship, searches for his birth certificate, and voices her concerns that he is a socialist and/or a Muslim.  I have also modified the ending so that Miss Havisham dies after being denied health care by Barack Obama's death panel, even though she is supposed to be covered by Medicare.

This publishing thing seems like the best scam ever, and it's totally legal, as long as we pay the taxes, which we won't.  All we need to do is get Glenn Beck to write a foreword for this thing, and we're ready to slap it on the shelves and start raking in that sweet, sweet cheddar.

I am a graduate of both the state penal farm and the federal penitentiary, where I obtained my high-school equivalency. I am also a state chairman of the Tea Party Patriots organization and a former Republican candidate for the United States Senate.  The manuscript is available on request.  If I don't hear from you by tomorrow, I'll go ahead and stop by your office, so we can discuss this in person.

God Bless;
[AUTHOR'S NAME]

And there you go.  That's a near perfect query.

Query Tips 6

1. Before you mail a manuscript, rub it with butter to make the pages turn more easily. 


2. Everyone loves to root for an underdog. You should try to seem downtrodden when you communicate with agents. 


3. When you send your manuscript, be sure to explain that the stains on it are your tears.


4.  To interest the largest subset of agents, describe your book as a cross among at least four genres.


5.  The truest story is one that springs from your own experience. Write a book about cats and loneliness.


6. Agents love an author with an online platform. Tell them about how you are Facebook friends with people from your high school.


7.  If you spend a few thousand dollars on a professionally-designed author website, you can send agents the link instead of a query letter.


8.  If you don't like writing queries, some agents will accept nude photographs instead of the conventional pitch letter.


9.  Adjectives like "voluptuous," "pouty" and "moist" can get agents really excited about your query.


10.  If you want more manuscript requests, you should write a better query. If you want an agent, you should write a better novel.


11.  To sell a novel, you need a high-concept hook or excellent writing. So I hope you can come up with a high-concept hook.


12. If your book includes a sex scene, when people read it, they'll flip to your author photo and imagine you having sex.


13.  A query is marketing copy, and you're advertising yourself. Talk about your strongest qualities. Like your gym-sculpted thighs.


14. Shortcut to a great pitch-letter: take your "about me" essay from your Match.com profile, and replace "casual sex" with "literary representation."


15. No time to write? Disconnect your Internet, turn off the TV, ask your husband for a separation and drown your kid in a bathtub!


16.  Why is everyone rejecting you when your writing is so amazing? There must be some arcane query rule you don't know about.

Query Tips 5: Conference Etiquitte

1. When people ask you where you get your story ideas, tell the truth: you think most of them up while you're sitting on the toilet.


2. Tell agents how many rejections you've gotten. Challenge them to be see the potential their idiot colleagues missed.


3. Agents reading your query want to know who you are. Tell them about your failed marriage and your struggle with mental illness.


4. Demonstrate social-network prowess by posting your query on a Facebook fan page about yourself. E-mail agents a link to it.


5. Never assume readers are stupid, even though readers are stupid.


6. If you soak your query in blood and bury it by a crossroads at midnight, the devil will send you a form rejection in 4 to 6 weeks.


7.  The only way you can fail is if you stop trying. Or if you are a bad writer and your book is shitty.


8.  When you pitch at a conference, bring a jar of your own urine. Hand it to the agent and tell her it's proof you're drug free.


9. When you pitch at a conference, be sure to bring dental floss. Use it during the pitch. It shows you are conscientious.


10. You can foster an intimate, conversational tone during your conference pitch by lighting a joint and offering the agent a hit.


11. Cutting lines of blow with a Platinum AmEx card during your pitch makes you look rich and glam. Always offer the agent a bump.


12.  Good grooming is necessary because first impressions are crucial. Before you go to a conference, wax off all your pubic hair.


13. The best method for approaching an agent is from behind, with a rag soaked in chloroform.


14.  When calling to schedule a meeting about your fiction novel, talk only to the agent; you're too important to deal with assistants.


15. Not getting an agent doesn't mean you are a failure. It just means your writing sucks.


16.  Sometimes an agent rejects a manuscript because the author is not quite ready. Other times, the author is not quite sane.

Query Tips 4: Just The Tips

1. Nothing inspires readers like a memoir by an author who struggled to overcome a serious illness. Maybe you should get a disease.


2. Buttering the agent up with a little bit of praise can't hurt your chances. Tell her she has a sensuous mouth and beautiful kids.


3. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have an agent? Then be sure to start your query with a rhetorical question


4. Sick of waiting weeks for responses? Send your query as a mass e-mail blast to fifty agents, so they know there's competition.


5. A query should be no more than 300 words, and at least 180 of them should be adjectives.


6. Self-publishing is a great way to become obscure.


7. Hand-write your queries to give them a personal touch. To really impress agents, send handwritten full manuscripts. Unsolicited.


8. Try to write a novel that has a built-in audience, such as a sequel to another author's popular series.


9. Send your query to "Dear Agent" or "Dear Sir/Madam" to avoid the embarrassment of accidentally misspelling someone's name.


10. When pitching at a conference, remember that a professional handshake should last at least 45 seconds. Hang on to that agent!


11.  Everyone drinks at conferences. If you're sober, you'll look like a narc. Pound three Jäger shots twenty minutes before your pitch.


12.  It is easier to publish if you write in a hot genre. Most agents are looking for Amish technothrillers and YA erotica right now.


13.  Idioms and folk-sayings form a bond of familiarity between your characters and readers. They're as useful as can be! 


14.  Once you have an agent, call her twice a day, just to check in.


15.  Don't compromise your artistic vision just because some PC liberals say your book is "racist." You're just telling it like it is!


16.  Friend your favorite author on Facebook. Once you are friends, he'll be delighted when you show up at his house to hang out.

Query Tips 3: The Revenge

1. If you get a lot of rejections, it's probably because you didn't spend enough time networking on Facebook


2. If you write fantasy, be sure to use lots of made-up words and names in your query. Agents love that.


3. Publishers are interested in any well-told story, as long as it's about a teenage girl who has to choose between two hot boys.


4. People want to read about realistic, identifiable characters, such as sexually non-threatening teenage boys with six-pack abs.


5. Write realistic dialog. For example, when a man tells his male friends about a woman he's met, he should describe her eyes a lot.


6. When writing for the Young Adult audience, authenticity is important. You must know what is cool. Drugs and premarital sex are never cool. 


7. Your protagonist must always be likable.  This means she should avoid conflict at all times.


8. Don't be naive about how the publishing business works. Always send headshots with your query. Follow-up with sexts. Let them know you're willing to do ANYTHING to make your dream come true.


9. Publishing a book isn't a way to get famous. Getting famous is a way to publish a book.


10. Every kind of monster is sexy now. When you think of werewolves, think "doggystyle." When you think of zombies, think "priapism."


11. You can still get rich writing monster mashups. "Ethan Frome The Black Lagoon," and "A Tale Of Two Cities Destroyed By Godzilla."


12. If you have trouble getting a literary agent on the phone, remember most people can be reached at home between one and five a.m.


13. Send your fan-fiction to the producers of the TV shows you write about. Then sue them all for stealing your ideas


14. Talent isn't what sells books. But you already know that, or you wouldn't be doing this.


15. Nobody has written a paranormal romance about sexy dragons yet. Consider the possibilities of a prehensile, reptilian tongue.


16. Look up agents' previous sales before you query, so you can tell them how your book is better than all the shit they represent

More Query Tips for Aspiring Authors

1. Everybody who gets published knows somebody on the inside. So be sure, in your query, to lie about knowing someone famous.


2. Before you pour a lot of time into writing a book, call some editors on the phone to ask if they think your idea is a bestseller.


3. Just because you're too busy to write a book doesn't mean you can't be an author. Hire an unpaid intern to write one for you.


4. Successful authors always write what they know. That's why most books are about alcoholism and depression.


5. Publishers like authors to be kind of ethnic, but not too ethnic. Try to work that angle, if you can.


6. Only submit to literary magazines with names that evoke wide-open, sun-dappled places where nobody wants to live.


7. You drink because you're lonely and life disappoints you. You write for the same reasons, and also because you're a narcissist.


8. No matter what your book is about, describe it as "dystopian" and "steampunk" in your query.


9. Your query should include at least three references to "social media."


10. Tell agents that your main love-interest would be a great movie role for Robert Pattinson. That's a big selling point.


11. The bestselling "Dexter" features a serial killer who only kills other serial killers. But what if there was series about a serial killer who only kills children? Edgy!


12. Why has there never been a book about a girl who has to choose between the affections of a straight-laced hunk and some kind of bad-boy?


13. There's no such thing as oversharing on the Internet. Tweet about your relationships, what you are having for lunch and, especially, all your form rejections.


14. Manuscripts should be interesting to look at. Use fun fonts like Comic Sans and italicize as much as possible.


15. Show you believe in your manuscript by assuring agents that it is a guaranteed bestseller which they'd be stupid to reject.


16. Agents love getting unsolicited full manuscripts. It saves them the trouble of requesting. Ship your unsolicited manuscripts by FedEx overnight, to show you are serious.

Querying Tips For Aspiring Writers

1. E-mails can get lost in the Internet. When you query, always call at least three times to verify that the agent received it.


2. Thank you notes are appropriate whenever you get a form-rejection or an out-of-office autoreply.  Always send several thank you notes, in case one gets lost in the Internet.  Call to make sure they arrive.


3. If you query by regular-mail, put some granulated sugar in the envelope. This lets the agent know that your book is a sweet read


4. Literary agents are busy people, and it can be hard to get them on the phone. Sometimes, you need to wait outside their houses.


5.  If you have an idea for a book, but you don't have the time to write it, you should call agents to see if they want to buy the proposal for someone else to write. But don't tell anyone what the idea is, because they might steal it.  Ask them to sign a nondisclosure agreement.


6. The rules of grammar aren't really rules. They are more like guidelines for people who like to think inside the box.


7.  If someone tells you your writing is incomprehensible, it is because they are too stupid to understand it.


8.  Always stand up for yourself. Let every craven dumbass who rejects you know that they've made a mistake they'll regret forever


9.  J.K. Rowling got, like, five rejections. You got fifty, so that means your work is ten times more groundbreaking and threatening to the bourgeois establishment!


10. If your book is about spies, you should write your query in code. Agents will have so much fun decrypting it. 


11.  Make sure to tell agents that you have registered your manuscript with the copyright office. That lets them know you're serious.


12.  Don't let anything stand between you and your dream of being an author. Especially not your learning disability or your functional illiteracy.


13.  Don't let anyone tell you that your writing is "bad." "Bad" is just a word, and great authors don't care at all about words.


14.  There is no such thing as a bad writer or a bad book. There are only bad agents, bad editors, bad bookstores, bad critics and bad readers.

15.  Every story is a sacred jewel that deserves to be treasured. Some jewels are transparently racist.  Some jewels are full of cliches and stilted dialog. Some jewels don't make any sense. But they're still jewels, dammit.


16.If you are writing about a common topic like vampires, try to put a unique twist on it. Like, maybe the vampire falls in love