Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Teenagers are stupid and should get off my lawn.

"I shall soon be six-and-twenty. Is there anything in the future that can possibly console us for not being always twenty-five?"

-Lord Byron

Clint reacts to the Justin Bieber book deal.
On Friday, I will be 29 years old, and I feel aged and depressed, especially since I can't figure out how Twitter works.  Reading one of those goddamn feeds is like listening to one side of a phone call.  

In the meantime, I feel entirely alienated from contemporary youth culture, which insists upon being very stupid.  In retrospect, I know that high school relationships are meaningless, that high school friendships don't last forever and that the big game doesn't mean shit to anyone except the one guy who might get a football scholarship.  So I join the masses of alienated old people who can't care about the drama that animates the people who apparently matter.
"Team Jacob!"

And the people who matter love Justin Bieber and some kid from YouTube called Fred.  I don't understand what the hell he is doing, but I hate it.  Apparently, he's the new YouTube comedy sensation for kids, even though he's not funny and his videos are transparent promotions for something called a ZipIt, which appears to be the BlackBerry's developmentally-disabled second-cousin.

Meanwhile, serious adults are seriously reading young adult literature, even though young adult literature is about kids and their stupid problems.  Young adult literature teaches us that teenagers in post-apocalyptic dystopias are just as obnoxious and self-absorbed as regular teenagers, and that turning sexy teenagers into sexy teenage vampires makes them perpetually obnoxious and self-absorbed.

Fortunately, there is relief available: here is American hero Aziz Ansari, explaining how to mess with kids on Facebook. 

And he's not the only one pulling this stuff.  The very social networks from which they derive strength will sow the seeds of their destruction!

Also: here is ex-teen idol Joshua Jackson of Dawson's Creek (who is even older than me), making fun of his Pacey character:


  1. Sorry about the imminent birthday. I turned 25 this year and thought hysterically, "OH GOD I AM 5 YEARS AWAY FROM 30!!!" It was pretty depressing.

    And I don't know about you, but I don't ever remember kids being as lame as they are now. Could be the nostalgia though.

  2. I dunno... Fred is definitely worse than Dawson's Creek or John Cusack. Is Bieber worse than Britney or Backstreet or NKOTB?